Before Bennie

They called it a "Blighted Ovum."

Man I feel like I hadn't posted anything in forever. I knew I wanted to talk about this, but I let life get in the way of writing.

The past couple of days I've been  trying to focus more on alignment and getting out of my own way...

And what do I do????

Get in my own way. SMH

I found myself asking, WWBD?

What Would Beyoncé Do?

LOL I know that's trivial, but it's realistic.

So here I am.

Before Bennie my relationship with my mom was extremely strained. Although I lived on my own, I still relied on her for a lot of things. Including transportation.

I knew my situation. I had just found out about it a week before all hell broke loose in my body. I had gone to the doctor because I was spotting. I was pregnant, and you shouldn't spot while pregnant.

Let's stop here.

I was pregnant but I did not want to be. I was planning to make other arrangements, but I was so scared. While at my appointment regarding the spotting, the doctor did an ultrasound.

No heartbeat.

No embryo.

Just an empty sac.

I was devastated but is it awful to admit I was happy at the same time? My devastation was because I felt like less of a woman because I couldn't create a child, but happy because I knew I wasn't ready for that child.

Don't judge me. I am sharing this because I know tons of women who have miscarried. I can't say how many women have shared my sentiments of miscarrying, but I don't wish this experience on anyone.

Back to the story.

I was at work, I began cramping so bad it took control over my entire body. I was bleeding, and I believe due to my anemia, it also caused me to become light headed. My head started throbbing, and I felt weak all over.

I hid under my desk.

On that dirty floor...

I decided to call my mom and tell her what was going on.

"Ma I think it's happening, I need you to come get me and take me to the hospital."

Due to my mom and I falling out prior to this, she wasn't giving one red crap about what I had going on.

"Since you think you grown, you figure out how to get to the hospital."

Looking back, it was a jacked up thing to say about such a tough situation but, that was some true tough love. I had to put on my big girl panties and figure it out.

She hung up in my ear. I had to figure out a plan B.

I told my friend Kisha what was going on. She offered to take me to the hospital. I didn't want her to jeopardize her job trying to help me. She said she didn't care what happened, so we let our manager know we were leaving and we headed to CMC.


When I tell you it was THE longest drive ever?!!!!

I was so nauseous by the time we arrived to the hospital, I opened the door as she pulled into the parking lot and puked everywhere. She was trying to get me directly in front of the emergency room door but there were ambulances blocking the entrance. 

She got me inside and went back to park the car. The hospital staff didn't give a crap about me miscarrying my non baby. They had me sitting in the waiting room for hours.

I don't even remember how many times I threw up as I waited, I was thankful I was in there alone.

At some point Kisha was able to contact my grandparents, the daddy, and my one of my aunts. I was placed in a room with no windows, a bed with stir-ups and another bed against the other wall. I was told I'd have to get a D&C.

The D&C is a procedure for women that miscarry. Your cervix is opened and the contents of your uterus are removed.

Sounds painful right?

It was more painful than actually giving birth.

I was given medicine to open my cervix, and medicine to numb me. I passed out from the pain so many times, my memory of the process is vague. I remember NOT being numb, and feeling all the scrapping,, everything. It was insane.

I tried not to cry, but I couldn't help it.

I bled everywhere and Kisha held me down the entire time, even when my family showed up she didn't leave.

The doctors would take a break, giving me a "break" from the pain, then they'd go back to killing what was formerly known as my uterus. I have no idea how long it really took, but it felt like forever. I just remember thinking not only was I planning to never have sex again, I also would NOT position myself to get pregnant.

My grandma was there to support me but ran her mouth the entire time. Was my suffering not enough?

They were finished. I was advised I'd be going home and I was not to wear tampons, or have sex. 

Once I was discharged I decided I didn't want to go home, so I stayed with my Grandma. She took care of me like she always has.

The bleeding, cramping, and clotting did NOT end at the hospital. To be honest I don't think they did anything but caused the pain to be worse and run up a bill. The empty sac the doctors were supposed to get rid of, passed at my Grandma house.

I'm sure this situation could have been a lot worse than what it was. I am thankful for the people that were there to support me, through my bad decision making. 

And as crazy as it sounds I am grateful to my mom for being such a jerk. I was always told a hard head will make a soft behind. That day I realized what it meant.

You can't prevent a miscarriage, but my reaction to this miscarriage may have been different had I been more mature and prepared for a child.

God be knowing.




  1. Shout out to Kisha and Grandma (even though she was talking mess) and a special shout out to my ROD Shaketa. Thanks to all the people that will adjust your crown when you need it

    1. We all need an ROD in our lives. Kisha will forever be that bc ot who she was to me in that moment. Thanks for sticking with me friend 😘


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